By Viridian
Reviews
Kuro posted a comment on Sunday 30th July 2006 4:06pm
Im quite picky when it comes to fanfiction, but this particular story is so well written it has caught my interest. The way you write your characters is very acurate and makes this story all the more believable because of it. I also really enjoy the way you build up Hinata and Naruto's relationship, in many stories the writers rush it and it becomes sloppy. Please keep up the awesome work, Im looking forward to the next chapater!
cobwebanne posted a comment on Saturday 29th July 2006 10:38pm
I loved this chapter. It didn't just have a huge fight raging in the middle of it, there were also so many great little character moments.
I thought the Iruka arc in this chapter was well done. Reminding us about Iruka, letting Naruto find out that Iruka really cares about him, and then letting us/Naruto think that Iruka is dead worked really well.
It took a lot for Naruto to lose control here. Many of his precious people were threatened. This chapter threw up a lot of moments for Naruto to deal with later. Naruto's mental state when he goes back over these events, particularly "enjoying the weak man's terror" will need to be handled carefully. Also, this is the first time he's killed, something that he won't be able to just brush off, judging by his reaction to Kurenai's story about the 4th Hokage.
Hinata's journey also coming along nicely. SHe's this odd mixture off an inability to deal with things on a personal level. But she's asserting herself more and more on a strictly professional level as a kunoichi as well as to protect her precious people. I love Hinata!
WHat's the bingo book?
Hanabi is such a snotty little brat. I trust that she will be getting her comeuppance soon.
Favourite line...
"The last was the dull scrape of sharp steel on bone as a kunai was rammed into the base of his skull."
I wasn't entirely sure about the pacing at the beginning of the chapter. I'm not sure how it could be avoided, as Kurenai IS their teacher, and the section about questions set up the reminder about how much Iruka cares for Naruto. Also I suspect that Naruto's likeness to the Yellow Flash of Konoha is going to come back. But the first couple of scenes felt like they involved a lot of Kurenai telling team8 stuff.
I can't wait for the next installment!
Cobwebanne
Patrick O'Shea posted a comment on Saturday 29th July 2006 5:09pm
Hi, had this fic recommended to me by a friend. I'm really enjoying this retelling of Naruto, it looks like you've done a lot of research in writing it. And it shows!
Great job!
Clayton posted a comment on Saturday 29th July 2006 10:17am
I think you overdid it with Hanabi. In canon we don't really know much about her except the fact that her father trains her alot. I've learned though that one of the Japanese games has Naruto dating people and one of the choices is Hanabi and she talks about how isolated she is. If they were to become friends I can't imagine Hanabi being that bad. And PLEASE slow down on the romancy stuff, I don't mind NaruHina but keep in mind they're only about 12 years old(kinda useless telling you this considering your other fic) and as such there can't be that much. On type of that I can't imagine ninja being the kind to get into relationships so easily.
ShadeHawk posted a comment on Friday 28th July 2006 10:42pm
I wonder why neither of Team 8 didn't try to use Schocking Grasp on "Anvil" in his metal skin form; I don't think his skin was insulated, was it?
On the other hand, how Naruto was able to pierce metal skin without breaking his hand as well?
Vtigo posted a comment on Friday 28th July 2006 5:12pm
Ok Viridian you gotta update this again soon, this fic is great!
Perrix posted a comment on Friday 28th July 2006 1:56pm
"Katon: Gurando Fenikkusu Kachuu" — Fire Release: Grand Phoenix Vortex
If you notice, most of that phrase is listed in a Katakana format, which is basically the english word slammed into japanese characters.
To really get a better name for techniques, look through some Japanese legends and myths.
They might not have the Phoenix, but I do know of a Yuki-Onna, which is a woman that sucked the warmth out of people and lived on the top of mountains.
It just sems less of a "shinobi" technique when it has american words in it.
Grand Phoenix Vortex could be translated like this:
Shikou Hitori Kachuu - Supreme Firebird Vortex
Another one of these would be the Raiton: Shokkingu Haji!
Shokkingu = Shocking
Look for a word like "Lightning" (Denkou or Raikou) or "Thunder" (ikazuchi, jishinkaminarikajioyaji [holy mother of jeebus that is a long one], or hekireki)
Other than that, I have to say that this is a great story that I am enjoying following. The idea of Naruto being the muscle of the group of people meant to be scouts seems a plausible reason to put him in Team 8 rather than Team 7 and the way you play Kurenai seems to be a good way to portray her.
Reccomendation - Seeing as he was spotted by several people from the Stone, they might report that to their leader, leading him to believe that the death of the Yellow Flash was just a rumor to put them off guard. Perhaps in a Chuunin exam the Stone nins could be looking for a blond person, and Naruto has to hide his hair in some sort of headband. Pity if it was knocked off during a fight between them though... *smirk*
Also, going back to the last thing about Japanese words. I believe that techniques need to be streamlined, you are not going to really yell out loud "Shounetsujigoku" because by the time you finish the target is closer or farther away. Perhaps use the word "Makai or Jigoku" in their place.
Other than that there is only a plea form me to you for you to update more often, as it is quite hard to find a good piece of fiction like this and have it keep my interest.
-Perrix
KlosetAuthor posted a comment on Friday 28th July 2006 9:47am
I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter. Actually I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the whole story so far. Particularly the realistic take on Naruto and Hinata and their development. I had been worried that if they didn’t go on the bridge mission how the development in Naruto’s character that took place there would take place. I really enjoyed how you did it and particularly the resultant growth in Hinata’s character, though I would have hoped you would have spent more time on the making it clear to Hinata that she was more powerful when she was protecting someone she cared about. With only the little bit that it was discussed with her, I’m concerned it may stick due to her lack of confidence. There was evidence, the slight steel in her voice, that it had a strong impact, but without seeing her emotions, it concerns me exactly how strong the experience was for her. Hopefully you’ll give us a little glimpse into her feelings about it later. We didn’t get much of Naruto’s feelings about it other than his confusion, hopefully well see some more of his as well, as he actually looks a little weaker about it than Hinata does.
One of my concerns was also about Naruto’s introduction to the Kyuubi’s power. You covered it well enough that there is no concern in my mind that the situation was enough for the power to be drawn out, but you seemed to be glossing over it. It just wasn’t as dramatic as it was in the original Anime and Manga. If you wanted the affect to be dramatic, please disregard if you were trying to gloss over it, I think you could have taken a little longer to explain. (Give me enough time to start the Heavy Metal Butt Wupping music in the back of my head.) You can keep this from making the fight look long by adding statements that mention how quickly everything seemed to be happening to him and how fast everything was flashing through his head. (You don’t want to make JKR’s mistake that makes everyone think that the battle between Dumbledore and Voldemort was slow. It wasn’t, it had to very quick portions and a bit of posturing in the middle.)
You covered the emotions that Naruto was feeling and what inspired him them while Naruto was getting enraged enough to bring out the Kyuubi’s power, but I couldn’t feel it. If you would have maybe talked about Naruto’s feelings for each person that had been hurt, Iruka, Hinata, Shino… maybe include some of his memories about good or otherwise cherished times with them, you could even show some experiences we didn’t see, then I might have had a bit more empathy for Naruto’s situation. (If you recheck the Anime/Manga I believe you’ll find that is what happened there to make us as angry as Naruto when Sasuke was hurt.) I think a couple of memories about Iruka, maybe some thoughts about how he wasn’t going to be able to eat ramen with him and brag about his mission might have made his death feel more poignant. Maybe some thoughts about how confused Naruto was about Hinata, but how much he enjoyed training with her could make her being injured more significant. Any fond memory or thought about Shino, especially since we see so little of his feelings about the guy might have made it seem like Naruto suddenly realized exactly how important his teammate was to him. Do that and maybe throw in some thoughts about everything Kurenai had done for him and you’d have had us all screaming for Naruto to rip their lungs out! (or something equally gruesome;)
The line, "I did not just hear that," was cool, but it usually connotes a confidence in the ability to beat someone that I don’t think Naruto had. I think you were trying to better show how upset Naruto was or his outrage. I think you might have done better with something along the lines of: "this can’t be happening," and then show some of his memories or his not having the chance to do tell him how much he cared or how thankful he was or just brag over ramen like I mentioned above.
But back to the parts I loved about this story. I really enjoyed how you described how Naruto just walked over the two Jonin. Catching the Iron dude’s fist was just classic. I also really enjoyed the way you described the way he was reacting to the kyuubi’s chakra and killer intent, particularly the way he had to snap out of it before Hinata got hurt and how he was concerned about what it all meant. I enjoyed the way you described his change from the way Naruto felt, but you made it sound like he knew what was happening and I don’t get the impression he would have. You could have talked about the sharp pains on his face for instance, but state he didn’t know what it was as the whisker marks got deeper. You could also mention he didn’t care to increase the drunken rage effect.
I also enjoyed the way the Stone ninja reacted about Naruto’s resemblance to the 4th. I suspect they knew the 4th was dead, but the fact that the Genin jumped to a wrong conclusion about the stone ninja’s presumably wrong conclusion was a sign of a good Author, who realizes that not all his characters know everything he does. I find a lot of novice authors make this mistake.
I’m looking forward to where you take us from here!
Your friendly Neighborhood KlosetAuthor
Arkeus posted a comment on Friday 28th July 2006 2:28am
Very good, though Kurenai looks a bit weak in this - if you count the databooks as canon, while not fast for a jounin, she is no slower that lee without his weitgh, and should run circle around any enemy that hinata can match (again following the databook).
The humor is quite good though, and it has a nice atmosphere :-) like how Naruto sees that shino's father is angry.
dogbertcarroll posted a comment on Friday 28th July 2006 12:31am
Excellent chapter. I like the changes in the
characters. It's nice to see them mature.
Does Hinata have to stay with her clan or can she
move out if she decides to? Naruto lives on his
own and seeing that may make her overcome her own
fears of being on her own. You know she has to
have considered it once or twice.
"If I’m not going to go insane and kill everyone, can we check on Hinata and Shino?"
*snicker*
That has to be my favorite line in this chapter.
How will having two colonies affect Shino's
jutsus? Are there more available now? Is the
second colony a different type? Will he end up
putting a second bug on everyone? Will Naruto
make adjustments to his clothes so they have a
place to hide on him where he actualy knows
where they are? Would hosting a coulple of
dozen help them replenish their numbers faster?
How much were the three MIs worth in the bingo
book? Do the ones who take them down get first
crack at the new jutsus they figure out from
their corpses?
Hinata and Naruto are forging their own path
to becoming a ninja. So how exactly will that
affect their choices? Different specialties
and alternate plans?
Great chapter.
Terry Swain posted a comment on Thursday 27th July 2006 4:10pm
That Was a Great chapter. :)
RaphaelYervantian posted a comment on Thursday 27th July 2006 3:23pm
Apologies for the horrible mispellings and grammar in my prior comment... I didn't notice them until after I submitted and there doesn't appear to be any way to edit the reviews one submits
RaphaelYervantian posted a comment on Thursday 27th July 2006 3:15pm
Greetings
An excellent new chapter. Just wondering though - whith the primary focus on N and H, Shimo is remaining somewhat of a unknown quantity...as in, all the other meemebers of the teem including K are fighting ineer battles and growing but Shimo seems to not have anything going on other than a whole 'Spock' feel - he seems the odd one out - many less dimensions to the character. Is this intentional.
And one hopes the Hyuuga will get a loud wakeup call at some point - I'm finding it more interesting to watch H's growth than N's - possibly because N is only really suffering from a lack of knowledge and opportunity which K is rappedly amending - where H is having to recreate herself as a person...
Thanks so much. Everytime a new chapter comes out I read the whole story over from the begining - I've found that it's the only way to remember all the different threads - and it stretches out the enjoyment longer!
Regards
Raphael
kwp posted a comment on Thursday 27th July 2006 1:20pm
Thanks, again, Matthew for another exciting and delightful chapter.
I enjoyed the insight into Naruto's thinking at the beginning of the chapter, especially the party about him learning to pay close attention to what Kurenai did. Trying to figure things out on his own is good practice, but also important. Naruto, while clearly capable of learning from instruction, seems to learn best by doing. Trying to reverse engineer how someone else achieves results will help him learn the how and the why faster than if she just told him.
However, never getting the hints on how to do anything correctly leaves one constantly starting from scratch. Naruto's astonishment that instructors are their to do anything else is both fresh and very believable to me, while at the same time vaguely heart wrenching. I doubt everyone had that emotion evoked by the exchange, but I did.
Speaking of the exchange at the beginning of the chapter, I really enjoyed the occasional inter-splice of the sparring session that Naruto and Kurenai were observing at the time. You managed to avoid the usual heavy dialog exchange, and still show us something. I enjoyed it.
Formatting Error: There appears to be an extra blank line/paragraph between.
Naruto shrugged. "Iruka’s different. He grew up without parents like I did, so he cuts me a break."
and the next line"No," Kurenai said firmly, "he’s not. He’s doing his job properly. Evidently, he’s one of the few instructors that is."
Formatting Error: There appears to be an extra blank line/paragraph between.
"Exactly," Kurenai murmured as Hinata leapt over Shino’s leg sweep. "A student that actually wants to learn is a blessing to a teacher. Why should I want to discourage that?"
and the next line
"But... why didn’t the instructors want..." Naruto’s voice trailed off. "It’s because of me, isn’t it?" he asked coldly.
In earlier chapters, Kurenai speculates to herself that all jonin develop quirks to handle the stress. I wonder if her own "No knowledge is wasted" and "Everything is a lesson" are the starts of her own stress adaption. Certainly more useful to her students than an obsessions with green spandex.
I am not sure that the ellipsis in the following quote are really necessary. The ellipsis earlier in the same paragraph works very well, however. It is your call of course:
Naruto couldn’t wait... he wanted to show everyone that he wasn’t just empty boasts.
I wonder what Hinata thought she was apologizing for when Naruto tells her she would never do something to be mean. Of course, I find it very amusing that he essentially mirrors the same words back at her that Hinata used herself when talking to Kurenai about Naruto. Good stuff.
The scene with the Rock ninjas at the border did a nice job of showing that Naruto's senses are getting sharper. He is able to catch fragments of the conversation that Hinata has to lip read to find out about. Speaking of which, lip reading and the Byakugan -- very nice combination. I wonder when Hinata's training about uncovering information might start to apply to her own household and home. When it does, and when she starts breaking out of the rut in her thinking, I expect we will have some interesting surprises.
I loved the ending of this scene. Naruto begins to internalize and realize the real cost of war. He begins to understand that heroes are more complex than his childhood dreams may have let them be. He begins to realize some of the burdens of the Hokage. And the foreshadowing of the last line, "he would think back on this conversation many times in the years to come," works very well for me. Once cannot tell from this line if a war is coming, or if the lessons and implications of an old war will wear upon his mind. Either way, the hints of what is to come leave me thinking about the future of the story and the character. So, well done.
Some people have commented on the changes in the naming of the techniques. I have no problem, as long as you are consistent. I really appreciate having them translated in the notes at the end. I also have no problem with Naruto giving two different names to the same technique, based solely on if he centers about himself and if he hurls in a direction. It seems in keeping with his character for him to praise himself by considering them separate 'special' jutsus.
However, I do have one question. You give us a sense or a hint of time between all of the scene breaks except the start of the grand battle and aftermath that is the last 3/4ths of the chapter. Have they been doing this 4 weeks, 6 weeks, or is this the next day after meeting the Rock ninjas?
I do not know if Hinata makes the right call her or not. However, she does make a decision. Given her indecision on so much else in her life, I agree that her sensei does the right thing after the battle in listening to her explanations and supporting her in making the call. I wonder how much self doubt Hinata will experience later on this point, though.
The battle as a whole does a great job of mixing the pace of the action and describing it without getting bogged down in every strike, twist, and countermove. I enjoyed it very much, and found it very thrilling.
Through out this battle, I am left unsure if Naruto is shielding himself from fire damage with his chakra, or just applying enough chakra to heal almost instantly from the injuries. The descriptions you have leave me unsure, and give me the impression that Naruto would have no idea himself. I suspect Kurenai will have an idea based on her observations, or will ask him to clarify for herself later.
cold black eyes gleamed like chips of obsidian.
Wonderfully vivid description, which combined with his "steel skin" jutsu later leave me with strong impression, but no evidence, of him as a Rock ninja.
Hinata ran upside! Very cool. No one comments on it after the battle, and Hinata's own recollection of how she handled things makes it clear that she might not even realize she did it.
In the first half of this battle, Naruto shows his creativity again. From the application of a jutsu intended to wash dishes and fill canteens to counter the fireball, to his use - twice - of his training weights as distance weapons, you show us his originality, rather than just tell us about it. Very good stuff.
Speaking of showing, I appreciate the fact that all of Team 8 make rookie mistakes of one kind or another in this battle. You show us their inexperience, without emphasizing it, and without reducing the great accomplishments or abilities that they do show. Hinata and Naruto freeze in the middle of the battle from unexpected information. Shino does not finishing incapacitating out his captive, and is then taken by surprise from a jutsu he should have expected. Simple mistakes that cost them dearly, and ones they will not make years from now.
Shino gives a very good showing of himself, here, though, and deserves strong praise. He moves effectively without being excessively flashy. He struggles on despite great injury. More and more, I admire and like his character for his strengths and dedication.
The pacing of the battle has both of his team mates out of action before the release of red fox chakra berserker. They do not see it. From what we gather after the fight, neither do our two rescued hostages, Konohamaru and Hanabi. Hanabi might have, given that we know her family's abilities see through light cover. However, her behavior seems to indicate strongly she did not see the resolution of the battle. With three enemies dead, only Naruto and Kurenai know what happened. This allows Naurto a little more time before his friends will see, but the consequences are not going to be that easy to put off.
The experience of killing a foe in battle is not one I am sure Naruto was ready for. The experience of not only killing his foes, but wanting them dead, wanting to see them suffer for a bit while they die, under the red haze of an inhuman fury... That I am sure he was not prepared for. His comment immediately afterwords about going crazy and killing everyone support that notion. He's going to have some processing to do over the next few days.
I am surprised about what thing in the battle. I expected to see Raiton: Shokkingu Haji used against are steel skinned foe. Given the build up from the last chapter on the use of this jutsu, and the power level being used, I was ready for Naruto to disable or outright kill his opponent with this junior level technique. I did not expect Naruto to punch his fists through him. Gruesome, and an ending to the fight that leaves Naruto with no way to lie to himself that he intentionally killed to of his foes.
The aftermath of the battle was well done. The relief force that showed up and their reactions to events played out very well. Hinata's clan moves slowly into the category of suspicion; of course Hiashi comes across as a pure jerk, and the arrogance he has encouraged in his heir rightly annoys Naruto. The question of why and what for still intrigue me, and Kurenai's lingers half voiced suspicions make me wonder where you are going with the long term plot of this story.
The motivations for this raid also come into question. Which kid was the target, and which one the victim of opportunity? Or, was one part of an alibi or cover story? Hmm... Good questions that leave me wanting to read more.
Hinata speaking up to remind Team 8 of its obligations - a priceless scene, especially as it involved standing up to her family! Naruto stepping in to defuse the situation, and being partly aware that he was doing so - wonderful!
Formatting Error: There appears to be an extra blank line/paragraph between.
"No," Shino answered, shaking his head, "they think Naruto is the Fourth Hokage and are therefore terrified of him."
and the next lineNaruto wanted to sink into the earth
The confidence and pride that Shino's father demonstrates in him felt really good. I am glad to see that Shino finds himself progressing and developing more than expected as well, pushed by his sensei and his remarkable teammates. Getting a second colony seems something both meaningful to him and a demonstration to others of how pride his father has in his ability. Very nicely done.
Iruka being alive is something I expected, but was not sure about. I remained open to the idea that it could go either way, but am very glad that Naruto will have a bit longer to interact with his first real sensei. Besides, I like what you have shown us about a friendship between Kurenai and Iruka.
Formatting Error: There appears to be an extra blank line/paragraph between.
"Well..." Naruto said, racking his brains for something to say to her. "More for us! I’m really starving, and Shino is eating for three now!"
and the next lineIn all honesty, the fight
Final comments:
I continue to enjoy this story very much. I look forward to seeing what the aftermath of this adventure well be. I thought the battle contrasted nicely with that in "Geniuses of Hard Work." Here, they responded with out a good plan, and were nearly destroyed. The warning they received earlier found concrete reality here. Yet they managed to overcome and survive. Where as in the earlier battle, Hinata gave the final conclusion to the battle, this time she "is the first to fall" and it is Naruto who carries the day. Only, no one but Kurenai and Naruto know the exact details. While Shino deduce what happened, looking at the injuries inflicted on their foes, and the blood that covered Naruto? What story will Naruto tell his teammates? And what *was* the purpose of this kidnapping? Has Iruka figured anything else out about the conspiracy against Naruto?
Needless to say, I eagerly await more.
Is this a meaty enough review to encourage you?
P.S. I appear to have posted this under "Geniuses of Hard Work" as well. Admins -- please delete the other posting.
kwp posted a comment on Thursday 27th July 2006 1:16pm
Thanks, again, Matthew for another exciting and delightful chapter.
I enjoyed the insight into Naruto's thinking at the beginning of the chapter, especially the party about him learning to pay close attention to what Kurenai did. Trying to figure things out on his own is good practice, but also important. Naruto, while clearly capable of learning from instruction, seems to learn best by doing. Trying to reverse engineer how someone else achieves results will help him learn the how and the why faster than if she just told him.
However, never getting the hints on how to do anything correctly leaves one constantly starting from scratch. Naruto's astonishment that instructors are their to do anything else is both fresh and very believable to me, while at the same time vaguely heart wrenching. I doubt everyone had that emotion evoked by the exchange, but I did.
Speaking of the exchange at the beginning of the chapter, I really enjoyed the occasional inter-splice of the sparring session that Naruto and Kurenai were observing at the time. You managed to avoid the usual heavy dialog exchange, and still show us something. I enjoyed it.
Formatting Error: There appears to be an extra blank line/paragraph between.
Naruto shrugged. "Iruka’s different. He grew up without parents like I did, so he cuts me a break."
and the next line"No," Kurenai said firmly, "he’s not. He’s doing his job properly. Evidently, he’s one of the few instructors that is."
Formatting Error: There appears to be an extra blank line/paragraph between.
"Exactly," Kurenai murmured as Hinata leapt over Shino’s leg sweep. "A student that actually wants to learn is a blessing to a teacher. Why should I want to discourage that?"
and the next line
"But... why didn’t the instructors want..." Naruto’s voice trailed off. "It’s because of me, isn’t it?" he asked coldly.
In earlier chapters, Kurenai speculates to herself that all jonin develop quirks to handle the stress. I wonder if her own "No knowledge is wasted" and "Everything is a lesson" are the starts of her own stress adaption. Certainly more useful to her students than an obsessions with green spandex.
I am not sure that the ellipsis in the following quote are really necessary. The ellipsis earlier in the same paragraph works very well, however. It is your call of course:
Naruto couldn’t wait... he wanted to show everyone that he wasn’t just empty boasts.
I wonder what Hinata thought she was apologizing for when Naruto tells her she would never do something to be mean. Of course, I find it very amusing that he essentially mirrors the same words back at her that Hinata used herself when talking to Kurenai about Naruto. Good stuff.
The scene with the Rock ninjas at the border did a nice job of showing that Naruto's senses are getting sharper. He is able to catch fragments of the conversation that Hinata has to lip read to find out about. Speaking of which, lip reading and the Byakugan -- very nice combination. I wonder when Hinata's training about uncovering information might start to apply to her own household and home. When it does, and when she starts breaking out of the rut in her thinking, I expect we will have some interesting surprises.
I loved the ending of this scene. Naruto begins to internalize and realize the real cost of war. He begins to understand that heroes are more complex than his childhood dreams may have let them be. He begins to realize some of the burdens of the Hokage. And the foreshadowing of the last line, "he would think back on this conversation many times in the years to come," works very well for me. Once cannot tell from this line if a war is coming, or if the lessons and implications of an old war will wear upon his mind. Either way, the hints of what is to come leave me thinking about the future of the story and the character. So, well done.
Some people have commented on the changes in the naming of the techniques. I have no problem, as long as you are consistent. I really appreciate having them translated in the notes at the end. I also have no problem with Naruto giving two different names to the same technique, based solely on if he centers about himself and if he hurls in a direction. It seems in keeping with his character for him to praise himself by considering them separate 'special' jutsus.
However, I do have one question. You give us a sense or a hint of time between all of the scene breaks except the start of the grand battle and aftermath that is the last 3/4ths of the chapter. Have they been doing this 4 weeks, 6 weeks, or is this the next day after meeting the Rock ninjas?
I do not know if Hinata makes the right call her or not. However, she does make a decision. Given her indecision on so much else in her life, I agree that her sensei does the right thing after the battle in listening to her explanations and supporting her in making the call. I wonder how much self doubt Hinata will experience later on this point, though.
The battle as a whole does a great job of mixing the pace of the action and describing it without getting bogged down in every strike, twist, and countermove. I enjoyed it very much, and found it very thrilling.
Through out this battle, I am left unsure if Naruto is shielding himself from fire damage with his chakra, or just applying enough chakra to heal almost instantly from the injuries. The descriptions you have leave me unsure, and give me the impression that Naruto would have no idea himself. I suspect Kurenai will have an idea based on her observations, or will ask him to clarify for herself later.
cold black eyes gleamed like chips of obsidian.
Wonderfully vivid description, which combined with his "steel skin" jutsu later leave me with strong impression, but no evidence, of him as a Rock ninja.
Hinata ran upside! Very cool. No one comments on it after the battle, and Hinata's own recollection of how she handled things makes it clear that she might not even realize she did it.
In the first half of this battle, Naruto shows his creativity again. From the application of a jutsu intended to wash dishes and fill canteens to counter the fireball, to his use - twice - of his training weights as distance weapons, you show us his originality, rather than just tell us about it. Very good stuff.
Speaking of showing, I appreciate the fact that all of Team 8 make rookie mistakes of one kind or another in this battle. You show us their inexperience, without emphasizing it, and without reducing the great accomplishments or abilities that they do show. Hinata and Naruto freeze in the middle of the battle from unexpected information. Shino does not finishing incapacitating out his captive, and is then taken by surprise from a jutsu he should have expected. Simple mistakes that cost them dearly, and ones they will not make years from now.
Shino gives a very good showing of himself, here, though, and deserves strong praise. He moves effectively without being excessively flashy. He struggles on despite great injury. More and more, I admire and like his character for his strengths and dedication.
The pacing of the battle has both of his team mates out of action before the release of red fox chakra berserker. They do not see it. From what we gather after the fight, neither do our two rescued hostages, Konohamaru and Hanabi. Hanabi might have, given that we know her family's abilities see through light cover. However, her behavior seems to indicate strongly she did not see the resolution of the battle. With three enemies dead, only Naruto and Kurenai know what happened. This allows Naurto a little more time before his friends will see, but the consequences are not going to be that easy to put off.
The experience of killing a foe in battle is not one I am sure Naruto was ready for. The experience of not only killing his foes, but wanting them dead, wanting to see them suffer for a bit while they die, under the red haze of an inhuman fury... That I am sure he was not prepared for. His comment immediately afterwords about going crazy and killing everyone support that notion. He's going to have some processing to do over the next few days.
I am surprised about what thing in the battle. I expected to see Raiton: Shokkingu Haji used against are steel skinned foe. Given the build up from the last chapter on the use of this jutsu, and the power level being used, I was ready for Naruto to disable or outright kill his opponent with this junior level technique. I did not expect Naruto to punch his fists through him. Gruesome, and an ending to the fight that leaves Naruto with no way to lie to himself that he intentionally killed to of his foes.
The aftermath of the battle was well done. The relief force that showed up and their reactions to events played out very well. Hinata's clan moves slowly into the category of suspicion; of course Hiashi comes across as a pure jerk, and the arrogance he has encouraged in his heir rightly annoys Naruto. The question of why and what for still intrigue me, and Kurenai's lingers half voiced suspicions make me wonder where you are going with the long term plot of this story.
The motivations for this raid also come into question. Which kid was the target, and which one the victim of opportunity? Or, was one part of an alibi or cover story? Hmm... Good questions that leave me wanting to read more.
Hinata speaking up to remind Team 8 of its obligations - a priceless scene, especially as it involved standing up to her family! Naruto stepping in to defuse the situation, and being partly aware that he was doing so - wonderful!
Formatting Error: There appears to be an extra blank line/paragraph between.
"No," Shino answered, shaking his head, "they think Naruto is the Fourth Hokage and are therefore terrified of him."
and the next lineNaruto wanted to sink into the earth
The confidence and pride that Shino's father demonstrates in him felt really good. I am glad to see that Shino finds himself progressing and developing more than expected as well, pushed by his sensei and his remarkable teammates. Getting a second colony seems something both meaningful to him and a demonstration to others of how pride his father has in his ability. Very nicely done.
Iruka being alive is something I expected, but was not sure about. I remained open to the idea that it could go either way, but am very glad that Naruto will have a bit longer to interact with his first real sensei. Besides, I like what you have shown us about a friendship between Kurenai and Iruka.
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"Well..." Naruto said, racking his brains for something to say to her. "More for us! I’m really starving, and Shino is eating for three now!"
and the next line
In all honesty, the fight
Final comments:
I continue to enjoy this story very much. I look forward to seeing what the aftermath of this adventure well be. I thought the battle contrasted nicely with that in "Geniuses of Hard Work." Here, they responded with out a good plan, and were nearly destroyed. The warning they received earlier found concrete reality here. Yet they managed to overcome and survive. Where as in the earlier battle, Hinata gave the final conclusion to the battle, this time she "is the first to fall" and it is Naruto who carries the day. Only, no one but Kurenai and Naruto know the exact details. While Shino deduce what happened, looking at the injuries inflicted on their foes, and the blood that covered Naruto? What story will Naruto tell his teammates? And what *was* the purpose of this kidnapping? Has Iruka figured anything else out about the conspiracy against Naruto?
Needless to say, I eagerly await more.
Is this a meaty enough review to encourage you?
Uldihaa posted a comment on Thursday 27th July 2006 9:36am
Alright, a new chapter! This chapter was a good mix of action and introspection. The fight scene was exciting and I could easily visualise what was happening.
I also liked the way you were able to show hints of Hinata's home life to Naruto and Shino without forcing Hinata to talk about it. I'm looking forward to seeing how Naruto and Shino will react to those hints.
Gai's entrance was amusing and completely in character; I don't think Gai can do anything without making a big production out of it.
I do wonder about Tsume's comment about Naruto and the Yondaime, though. From the way it's written, it can be taken as either "How could anyone mistake a pip-squeek little genin as the Yondaime" or it could be read as "How could they think the Kyuubi-brat is the Yondaime!?". I know Naruto took it as the first way (which goes to show that he's learning that not every comment to/about him is about the Kyuubi). I just thought I'd point it out.
Looking forward to many more chapters of this great fic!
Prince Charon posted a comment on Thursday 27th July 2006 6:51am
Interesting. Very, very interesting.
Thank you for the update.
More soon, please.
BlueJay posted a comment on Thursday 27th July 2006 5:23am
First of all, I'd like to thank you for telling me where I could find this story. I'd been looking for it for a while and had almost given up hope of finding it.
One of the things that I love about this story is the MAJOR character developement. You show not only what a character does but go into detail mentally about why I character did it.
Your ability to clearly display to a reader actions is also a high point.
I absolutely hate the wait time in between chapters but I find that the time is well-spent because when the chapters do come out they are very well done.
That being said, I'm out of stuff to review about in order to 'motivate' you to write.
Quizer posted a comment on Thursday 27th July 2006 3:03am
Yay, an update! This exceeds my wildest expectations! Here's the extra meaty review for you :D I hope it warrants a meaty response as well! Topics with a star (*) are ones I'd especially like you to respond to, but feel free to comment on anything.
I loved how Naruto finally got out something that quite clearly tells Hinata he likes her and that is impossible to misunderstand. It's about time he scored a relationship-critical hit like that.
The combat scene was great. I loved how Naruto used his weights as projectiles - very ingenious! It's things like this that show your imagination is not constricted by regular paths ans this is what makes your writing really shine.
Hinata's lip reading is also a good idea, and it is a skill she should train and become proficient in at all costs. Combined with the Byakugan, it would be an invaluable spying skill, priceless on a reconnaissance team.
I also liked the short scene from Kurenai's PoV, where she uses the genjutsu. Was she actually caught and used Kawarimi to get away while masking her escape with a genjutsu, or was it entirely faked? Kawarimi would fit, as she would have tossed the Kunai at her new position before switching. I like how your battle scenes have multiple layers like this, also inspiring the readers to look underneath the underneath!
The Doton jutsu Naruto used gave me an idea: It's described in the text how Naruto's overloading of the jutsu made the earth liquid. So why not adapt the jutsu: deliberately overload it and instead of affecting just the surface, it is applied to a three-dimensional area below the enemy, making them fall into the ground. Once the enemy is submerged, Naruto would release the jutsu, rendering the enemy buried alive. There are probably limits to using it this way, depending on how fast the ground turns liquid and whether it works in such a way that it can be made deep while constricting the vertical expansion of the mud 'puddle'. I also don't know how effective it would be against someone with shinobi reflexes, but I imagine it would be a devastating assassination technique if used against an enemy coming down from a jump. Tell me what you think of this idea. (*)
I also liked how Naruto shielded himself with chakra to defend against the initial fire attack. I really hope that Kurenai noticed that and confronts him about it. It's a great idea and another thing that gives Naruto with his enormous chakra capacity a unique opportunity and battle advantage. As this story aptly demonstrates, Naruto's development is so hampered in canon that the vast majority of his potential goes to waste and his unique abilities are barely able to compensate. Now, with a sensei (and an author) who thinks of all the angles, his battle strength grows so rapidly that he will soon appear broken compared to normal characters. I fully approve of this trend and hope to see it continue. (*)
I'm a bit disappointed that things didn't come to a head between Naruto and Hanabi, or between Kurenai and Hiashi. Or even Naruto and Hiashi, although that would have been unhealthy for Naruto if it escalated into a physical exchange of blows... Anyway, the way Hanabi acts, she could very conceivably have completely pissed off Naruto in the short time they spent in company. Not seeing a satisfying blowup yet leaves me feeling a bit frustrated, but I realize you are following your own schedule and it will likely be so much sweeter when it finally comes to pass.
Maybe the scene would be more satisfying to read if you added a reaction from Hanabi after Naruto chews her out after she butts heads with Konohamaru (disbelief, anger and a bit of glowering at each other, or something like that. There don't have to be any more words spoken.)
I'm also wondering about Hiashi's motives. He takes every opportunity - no, scratch that. He absolutely goes out of his way to smack down Hinata, to an extent that makes him appear really petty. Leaving and not eating Hinata's food just to spite her is downright childish. I can't help but wonder why he goes to such amazing lengths to be an arrogant arsehole. I don't pretend to understand a lot of that Japanese duty and honor stuff that Cheezem keeps harping on about in his discussions, but I doubt the reason lies there. However, I also doubt it's just because he's a certifiable bastard. So why does he take such perverse pleasure in crushing Hinata's spirit? (*)
You did a good job with the whole 'OMG Iruka died!!1!' thing. I wondered briefly when I started reading the scene whether it would turn out to be false information, but I was more prepared to believe it, as Iruka does fit the martyr mold and he isn't really needed. The ominous chapter title also pointed in that direction. I was pleasantly surprised at the end of the chapter when it turns out he survived. I was prepared to live with it, though; it would have worked either way.
Still, it's probably better that he survived. The whole 'bad guys kill the Hero's mentor' thing IS a bit cliché, even though you could have pulled it of without compromising the quality.
In some stories, scenes like this make you feel betrayed or resentful at the author for playing with the reader's feelings, but in this case, it's decidedly not like that, and that is a real accomplishment you can be proud of.
A general thing: Just how good are medical jutsus? What can the people at the Konoha Hospital do and what not? How quickly can someone with Iruka's kind of injuries, but not Naruto's accelerated healing recover?
The translations at the bottom of the chapter have been very useful, but the second fire jutsu the enemy ninja used wasn't listed there. I don't know if it was one of your own jutsus or a canon one, but I think it should still be in the list if it has a Japanese name, at least for the first appearance.
Anyway, I'm really looking forward to the aftermath of the fight, with Kurenai and the kids going over the fight again and analyzing everything. I enjoyed that part after the last fight and I'd like to see a such a debriefing for this one as well.
Whew, that's all for now. I spent several hours going through the chapter again and writing this. Hope this isn't too long, but your writing really inspires dedicated reviews in me! Looking forward to your response!
Quizer
Prince Charon posted a comment on Tuesday 1st August 2006 3:34pm