By Viridian
Reviews
Mickey posted a comment on Tuesday 8th August 2006 4:23pm
LOL. I really liked the end of this chapter. Very nice
The Un icorn
Bobboky posted a comment on Tuesday 8th August 2006 3:17pm
cool
Dementist posted a comment on Tuesday 8th August 2006 2:53pm
You write Hikaru incredibly mature for his age, especially if he's only ten. There are also a few plot holes, such as where Hikaru describes working with chakra and suchlike. He mentions that he can hold a Henge for half an hour, but how could he possibly know that if he has never been able to perform the jutsu due to the chakra supression field. This is only one of many mistakes.
While it does make for an interesting origin, to have spent his entire life in a prison cell, it is riddled with problems, all of which stem from the fact that he has zero experience at living in the real world. This fic has real potential, but needs severe cleaning up.
Viridian replied:
Please pay attention to what the story actually says before you tell me it's full of holes.
I never said Hikaru couldn't do jutsus in the cell, only that the old man couldn't. He just had to fight the field to do it. Remember when he was hanging by his feet, but the old man made him get down whenever he heard the guards approach? He got a rush when the suppression field disengaged because he's been training under it all his life. That's why his chakra control is so good for someone his age. (Analagous to wearing weights or training in artificial gravity.)
Yes, he has no personal experience, but the old man has been teaching him since he was old enough to talk, and part of the old man's agenda was preparing Hikaru for the day he might eventually break free. There are still gaps in his knowledge, and it's only as current as when the old man was imprisoned, but the old man trained his memory to be incredibly sharp (something a seal expert would need is a nearly photographic memory) because he's pretty much limited to oral instruction.
And yes, he's mature... and he's a sarcastic, cynical little bastard too. That happens when you don't have a childhood. He's just imitating his sensei. Shinobi kids in canon are way more mature than in real life (doing missions / killing people for money at age 12, or even younger for Kakashi and the prodigies), and at least some of them have 'relatively normal' home lives.
In case you missed it, his whole background was crafted to give him that maturity and personality.
Brandon West posted a comment on Tuesday 8th August 2006 2:46pm
Heh. Naruto made as much if not more noise than the theives.
Gonna be interesting to see these three try to work together.
Viridian replied:
True, but Naruto wasn't trying to be quiet either.
Well, 2 are still in the academy, and Naruto is on team 7. But I'm sure they will get up to something in their free time.
QOShea posted a comment on Tuesday 8th August 2006 1:36pm
Matt,
I love the story. This and Team 8 are quite likely the BEST Naruto fanfics I've read. Character development, action, and a hot tempered redhead, what more could you ask for?
Don't let the turkeys get you down!
QOShea
yerocfponk posted a comment on Tuesday 8th August 2006 12:03pm
First off I love all of your stories, and Team 8 actually got me reading Naruto again. I like your Hikaru haven't really gotten a feel of whether or not I like Asuka yet. I'm eagerly anticipating the next chapter and their conversation with Naruto.
Jamey posted a comment on Monday 7th August 2006 5:13pm
Don't you just love all the nazis in the world - authenticity nazis patrolling RenFaires, otaku nazis who've never been to Japan, but know *EXACTLY* how some made-up word should be spelled.
Pah! Tell 'em it's a dialect they've never heard of, and perhaps to use the Washington Monument as an enema nozzle. Or give 'em to Naruto for practice.
Viridian replied:
I like the last option. Especially the Team 8 version of Naruto...
anonymous5 posted a comment on Monday 7th August 2006 10:46am
I've only read your HP stuff, and figured your writing was good enough that even if I detested the subject matter I'd still appreciate a well-told yarn. You certainly didn't disappoint on either front. Amazing! :D
Viridian replied:
Thanks. This is an attempt to duplicate Riley's voice from "There's Always a Way", though I am still working on building up his sarcasm... =)
Regress posted a comment on Monday 7th August 2006 4:12am
LOL!
Hehe, no biggie about the Japanime names for things, hell by my standards you did well enough with the names and that's all that really matters to me. I just can't see a ninja named Steve, George, or Philip. So as long as they've got kookie sounding japanese names I'm happy.
The perspective is cool too, I haven't read a lot of pure 1st person fanfiction, but I'm kind of enjoying this one. All in all, great work as usual, and I can't wait to read more of it.
Adrian R Brown posted a comment on Monday 7th August 2006 1:41am
‘Urban Renewal no Jutsu’. I love it. :)
Once again, I'm impressed with your work. I've always liked the idea of the Jinchuuriki banding together and finding each other. In a way, they're the only real family they have. I'm glad to see that one of my favorite fanfic authors has tackled a story like this.
Great job!
Adrian/Sobek
cool2ice posted a comment on Sunday 6th August 2006 5:46pm
Wow, you really have the abilty to make new characters and make them interesting. When I first saw this posting I was torn between the fact that you took time away from Nightmares Past and Team 8, and excited because you had posted something new.
Keep up your excellent work!
William Fowler posted a comment on Sunday 6th August 2006 5:10pm
Great chapter! I love it, from the perspective of different jinchuuriki, and everything. So, now that Hikaru and Asuka are in Konoha, how well are they going to be treated, because we all know of Naruto's life up until now.
Of course, the fact that Kyuubi actually deserved the fear, and from what you're showing, Hachimata, was alright, means that Hikaru should be treated alright.
What demon does Asuka have, that's what I'm really interested in. Because, if you're following Manga, Akatsuki have a lot of them.
Anyways, great story, and good writing.
William
Viridian replied:
I think "Hi, I have an incredibly powerfull immortal demon imprisoned behind my navel" is still going to freak people out. And Hikaru's looks are going to cause problems for another reason as well...
Asuka has one not revealed in the manga so far. Her powers might be a clue though.
kittykatluver posted a comment on Sunday 6th August 2006 2:35pm
Hmmm...I like it. I don't know why I'm all of a sudden reading Naruto ff, but ok. Good job!
scott2 posted a comment on Sunday 6th August 2006 1:17pm
Excellent OC's and hope for more soon :)
Canis posted a comment on Sunday 6th August 2006 9:29am
*blinks* Wow, one of the first GOOD original character Naruto stories. This has a LOT of promise. I'll be keeping watch to see if you fuck it up. (Not that I expect you to, but OC fics have a bad rep for a reason).
Viridian replied:
Some of that may because people what to read about the established characters. This story will still revolve around Naruto to a great extent, even though it is told from Hikaru's POV.
duke_bonez posted a comment on Sunday 6th August 2006 8:43am
Damn you!
....Errr sorry. Nice story. Actually pretty awesome, but you know...now I have to wait longer for the next Team 8 chapter and even longer for chapter 2 of this, and i really don't like waiting =[.
But anyway: it's always nice to see an original character in a familiar world, at least a well written one but given that you are writing that wasn't really a concern. I am looking forward to seeing Hokage's and Konoha's reactions to the two visiting Jinkuri. Oh and seals and Asuka's explosions (I wonder what got sealed in her? you'd think that the dragon would have the fire aura).
More chapters! Soon! Please?
Hmmm, I suppose I should catch up to your Harry Potter fic but...MORE CHAPTERS! =]
Harry James posted a comment on Sunday 6th August 2006 8:37am
Those damn elitist had to go and ruin it for the rest of us! I was wondering, however, will this story and Team 8 find each other? I think that would be interesting to see. Three jinchuuriki in one village and all friends! That would be awesome! If this just stays separate, that would be awesome too. I don't really want anything to mess with what Naruto and Hinata are finally building up to. Any Naruto fan would want those two to happen and not just to piss off Hiashi! ^_^
Viridian replied:
This does not occur in the same reality as the Team 8 AU. It's an entirely separate AU from Team 8.
Which is probably a good thing. Hikaru and Kurenai would either be thick as thieves or ready to kill each other within hours. =)
As for shipping in this story... What do you think Hikaru's opinion of Hinata would be?
Duraiken posted a comment on Sunday 6th August 2006 7:31am
Hmmm... Nice, methinks. Not really any errors that a lazy bum like me'd notice. Wish there a few more encounters to show us how 'Hikaru' and Asuka would handle themselves as prospective ninja, and how they compare to Naruto and Gaara as Jinchuuriki. Other than that, another good work IMO.
Viridian replied:
Realistically, two kids like that probably wouldn't have made it if they had to fight all the way out of Earth Country. They have lots of potential, but are physically small and lacking in experience.
As far as comparisons go. Hikaru seems to be affected by his tenant in a manner similar to Naruto - increased healing and doesn't get tired easily under stress. Asuka is more like Gaara with her elementally-aspected abilities.
Harry James posted a comment on Tuesday 8th August 2006 5:31pm